Just as much i dont want people to believe me, i want them to believe me
Just as much as i think all my feeling were fake, i also feel that they're real
Just as much as i despise myself, i want to be respected
Just as much as i want to win against my darkside, i want to accept it
Just as much as i deny myself, i want to be accepted
Just as much as i hate myself, i want to be understood
Just as much as i crave for attention, i ignore it all the way i can
Just as much as i believe no one can ever love me, i want to be loved
And just as much as i want to love, i dont feel that i m capable to love
All of these ambigous feeling  is tearing me apart
It feels like i'm swallowed by it and can no longer identify myself

These are merely very selfish wish of me
Wishes that conflicted against each other

Today, i m wondering
Why, even though i m feeling this much conflicted,
Why won't i share my minds with others?
I could get some clue and help with that.

But...

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs i am afraid if they'll leave me
Knowing how much trouble it brings

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs i am afraid if i'll make them suffer the same feeling i have
An endless conflicted feeling

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might lead them asthray
Just like what happen to me, so many times

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might tainted ur pure soul into darkness
Like mine, which is bound tightly into darkness

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might bring u into madness
Just like i've experienced many times

But...

Sometimes my mind overwhelmed me,
And i got lost in it, i can't find myself anymore

Having this kind of thoughts is so much scary, almost like a curse
But even so, i couldn't ignore it
Bcs it's inside me and will always be with me, forever...

Sometimes, i wonder,
Will there any times when i no longer needs to be afraid to share my thoughts?
Or...
Will there come time when i could be tough enough, so i dont need anyone to share it?

Well, i actually dont wanna the latter to be happen.
Bcs that would be very miserable and sad

13 Juli 2015