My World: English Post

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How much do you realize that 'yourself' is trying to avert you from truth and reality?
How much are you being aware how often it happen?
How much are you being aware everytime it happen?
Even though you aware, Will you be able control it all the time?
Do you know that your feeling, your wish, your consciousness and unconsciousness, your desire, and even your mind is trying to deceive you? Have u ever think that your own "mechanism", both physics and mentally, is trying to 'manipulate' you?
But, who are 'you' anyway?? Are 'you' even exist??

21 Feb 2016

I once thought, that if all people in the world could truly understand each other and themselves then there won't be any war or even conflict between human. Because conflicts which became the beginning of war caused by misunderstanding. So, i thrive to understand human and the world.

Apparently, it's clear to me now that I misunderstand human nature. That, since the start is impossible. No one could understand each other completely, not even I could understand myselef completely. In addition, although one understand well the other side of the war or conflict the war might still happen, because they decided to do it whether for their pride, greed, revenge, rage, or anything else. For sometimes, mass conflict dont happen because of one person's interest, but because of mass' interest. Human nature in group has their own 'power' in it.

And then i frustate myself...

Well, i am not desperate or dissapointed about the importance of understanding each other. Because i still think that understanding must be reached to surpress those problem. And this is the reason i still continue my effort to understand human and the world. However, i no longer hope for true and everlasting peace of the whole world. Since that is an utopia, and hoping for an utopia is a waste for me.

School suppose to educate the mind of children to be open, free-thinking, and critical?

But, the school is also a "perfect" systematic way to brainwash the children's mind to be what society wants of them. And people do utilize school for this end, while the open mindedness, free and critical thinking may ruin their wish.

Well, what a paradox. Isn't?

So, which one is the true purpose of a school?

K's Twitter

24 Nov 2015

I wonder, if i lived in the period of time when the slavery and caste system was common.
Would i be able to find the mistake?

Would i be able free myself from the common paradigm that time?

And look for the right one?

The same question is also applied for the me who live in this period of time.
If in this period of time, there are 'odd' system just like slavery and caste system...
How do i know if my thought or the system that i think is right is actually wrong?
How do i know if i've reached the right answer?
How could i break free from biases of social system and my self?
So, i could just see the reality clearly, "naked" as it is

Even the great scientist in the ancient ages can't break free from this biases.
Well, some of them which i know are.
I wonder if i could.
I wonder if i actually already trapped in those biases.

That's why i choose to be skeptical & cynical towards reality & any thoughts.
I tend to detach & avoiding the main "stream"
It's not easy, It's hard, lonely, and terrifying
But at least, that way i could reduce the risk of being trapped in social bias

And for the bias that come from myself, i'll try to reduce it by keeping hatred to myself
So, i could reduce the risk of being trapped by my own proud and selfishness
It hurts so much, sometimes it drives me crazy

Despite all of the "cost", Every 'blessing' come with its own 'curse' anyway.
So, i'll just take 'the curse' that will give me the most 'blessing' i 'need'

K's Twitter

13 Nov 2013

I hate humans.
I hate the world.
But what i hate the most is myself.

Even so, i need it (myself).
No matter how much i hate it,
I need it to solve the cause that made me hate those things.

But i m not doing this in order for me not to hate myself anymore.
I just wish to solve the problem that made me hate everything, but i don't have any intention to stop hating myself.

Because i am not hating myself for the sake of my hatred
I am hating myself as a way to control myself

So, i will never 'forget'...
So, i could keep my 'consciousness' on 'the surface'...
So, i won't allow myself to give up

17 Sept 2015

Just as much i dont want people to believe me, i want them to believe me
Just as much as i think all my feeling were fake, i also feel that they're real
Just as much as i despise myself, i want to be respected
Just as much as i want to win against my darkside, i want to accept it
Just as much as i deny myself, i want to be accepted
Just as much as i hate myself, i want to be understood
Just as much as i crave for attention, i ignore it all the way i can
Just as much as i believe no one can ever love me, i want to be loved
And just as much as i want to love, i dont feel that i m capable to love
All of these ambigous feeling is tearing me apart
It feels like i'm swallowed by it and can no longer identify myself

These are merely very selfish wish of me
Wishes that conflicted against each other

Today, i m wondering
Why, even though i m feeling this much conflicted,
Why won't i share my minds with others?
I could get some clue and help with that.

But...

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs i am afraid if they'll leave me
Knowing how much trouble it brings

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs i am afraid if i'll make them suffer the same feeling i have
An endless conflicted feeling

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might lead them asthray
Just like what happen to me, so many times

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might tainted ur pure soul into darkness
Like mine, which is bound tightly into darkness

I am afraid to reveal my minds
Bcs it might bring u into madness
Just like i've experienced many times

But...

Sometimes my mind overwhelmed me,
And i got lost in it, i can't find myself anymore

Having this kind of thoughts is so much scary, almost like a curse
But even so, i couldn't ignore it
Bcs it's inside me and will always be with me, forever...

Sometimes, i wonder,
Will there any times when i no longer needs to be afraid to share my thoughts?
Or...
Will there come time when i could be tough enough, so i dont need anyone to share it?

Well, i actually dont wanna the latter to be happen.
Bcs that would be very miserable and sad

13 Juli 2015

I never see the world as ‘beautiful’ place
Like most people used to say
I am still trying to see it the way they see
But the more I try, the more I see the opposite of what they see
I see more sadness, suffering, and pain
All of those thing is what lies beyond the surface
The surface that most people try to show, “happy and beautiful place”

That's why, i am very agree with the saying,'The world is a cruel place'
Sometimes I wonder, Happiness and beauty,
is it really exist or merely illusion?

“Why?”
The question that haunt me for all my life.
I asked for everything,
“Why?”
“Why it become like this?”
Where’s the point when everything goes wrong?
I am searching for the answer
But the more I search,
the more I realize
How complicated and dark it is
The more I search,
the more I feel desperate
The more I search,
the more question appear and chasing me
The more I search, the more I find paradoxes
I am afraid that it’ll be too much for me to bear
Will I be strong enough to face all of these reality?
Am I ready for all the consequences?

Now, here I am, shaking and paralyzed
On the face of reality
The reality which is full of sad and cruel things
The reality which is full of pain and suffering
The more I understand the reality,
The more I understand how twisted it is

The good and the bad becomes so blur
The truth and the fake is all mixed
I learn that reality is a scary things to be faced
The truth is even scarier to be found

To decide that you are a seeker of truth,
Means you may never live in peace,
Because those questions is going to haunt you, forever
You’ll never be absolutely sure about anything
Not even about the truth
It’ll drives you crazy

Sometimes I wonder,
‘Till when will I able to keep my naivete in the face of these world?
‘Till when will I able to survive and keep my mind sane?
When will I be broken and become insane?

I know there’s no going back
I can’t change back,
I don’t remember anymore who I was
Will I be strong enough to continue all of this journey till the end?

Sebenernya kata-kata ini pernah aq ikutkan GA. Tapi ga menang. Jadi di posting disini aja lah. Eman juga kalo kata-kata ini ga jadi koleksi sendiri juga :)

Limit is a line.

A line that say "you may not passed here to go further",

so we try to find another way to go to the other side of the line.

That is what we called creativity.

A line that say "you need to ' stretched ' me

if you want to get what you want",

so we strive our best to stretch the line

And we could get what we want beyond the line.

That is called persistent.

A line that say "you won't passed me".

So, we understand our nature and accepting our who we really are.

That's called "fate"

In the contrary, it also a line that make us think,

"We can't, we may not, and we won't passed beyond the line."

Those thought is what make us stay behind the line

And being trapped inside in a narrow and stifled place.

Limit is a line,

Whatever its meaning is up to us

How we decide to look at it

By K

I'm scared of seeing beneath my own. Superficial front again.
I'm a lucky person, I'm loved by my rich parents.
I'm gloomy, but I have Saki.
But I wanted something else. I wanted what I was not.

I wanted to be "unhappy".
The "unhappy" people on TV.
An unhappy past, an unhappy life...
It was like they were drunk with unhappiness.

It may have been because of that unusual sadness
Expressed in her that I became best friends with Saku.
I soon ended up finding out that
Unhappiness is not something to be "desired".

IT CRUSHES YOU.
YOU'RE ALIVE, BUT DEAD
EVERY DAY LITTLE BY LITTLE. YOU DIE
THAT IS THE REALITY OF IT.

And in that reality, I could do nothing but watch.
Only my shallowness become clear.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE THE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Even if anyone or anything denies you,
Please don't think I'm the same
I'll stay here, stay by your side
Don't feel like you're alone in this world.

Taken From Hoshi Wa Utau (Takaya Natsuki)

Note : These are the words of a girl's -sei- for her bestfriend ( a girl too) -saku-

These words really represents my hearts. When i read this world, i said to myself, the mangaka really do understand me!

I do feel the same with the character who said this in this comic. I have certain interest to some people, people that live with pain- people that hurt by others. This feeling is actually hard to explain. It'a more than sympathy, but it's not pity. I admire them, and probably love them. But this love is a little different than love between man and woman or parents to child. I can't explain what kind of love it is. I adore them, I respect them. They are "beautiful".

I want them to be able to reach the best of life that they can get. I want to help them. That's probably the reason why i always, helplessly want they to keep struggle for their life, life at the best.

Probably that's why i dont wanna to give up for people like this. Even though i said so, i still watching their back. But, it's true. I had given up. not so long ago. I become to understand, that not all the hurt people is sparkling, means not all of them willing to struggle for their own life. Some choose life that they already have now, even though they dont like it, or hate it. And I can't change that.

I also come to an understanding that the people i admire is the hurt people that struggle for their life, whether it's in a positive or negative way. I admire their fighting spirits. I think because of that fighting spirits, their ability to survive, they deserve the best. And i want to help them to make it, in a positive way.

But i don't like one that giving up to life, to everything that (s)he dont get. And stop there. Because when someone decide to live a life like that, (s)he will ignore everything you said. Even though (s)he know you may be right, but (s)he just dont want to hurt more. Because you know what, fighting means hurt more to get more, but no one can guarantee that u certanily will get more, just like no one can know certainly what will happen the next. Well, i dont say people like that won't change. But for me, when someone decide that, and when i tried my best and he still stay there, and even he already know all the consequences and probability. So, i think that time i should leave him with his choice. Everyone is responsible for their own choice, isn't?

Well, afterall i just want to say that the quote in the beginning of this posting is really represents my heart. The feeling that i can never understand before-that i questioning myself- this mangaka, Takaya Natsuki, can say it well. I feel like she can really understand me, even though she won't even know me.

And i recommend her mangas to be read. Because you'll get so many life lesson, that different from other books or manga. Through her manga, she teach us how to accept the ugliness like it is, instead to sugar coating it. Through her manga, i could learn about life, the bad and the good. I can't say much, but i guarantee u can find wonderful story and life lesson in her mangas. And they are worth to read, very much! :D

U can find her manga list here. And the series that i like the most is "Fruits Basket" :3

"People that I like is not people with pain, but people who struggle with their pain. Because they teach me to keep fighting, struggle in life. Even though with pain and will be hurt again and again. They teach me what pain meaning is"

Twitter's K

"If you want to be creative, then think the opposite of the common.Think out of thebox", a motivator said.

When i heard that, i only think that he is silly. Come on, is that enough to be creative?? Well, i can only assume that he dont really understand about creative, but follow the common style of thinking, about creative.

if what we need to be creative only think the oppositw of the common, then it'll be okay if we do the genocide with the most painful and cruel as a way to control human population? Or kill all the patients as a way to cure people and prevent the disease, no matter what the disease is? Or, make a museum from a living human to show how far human can survive the pain and torture? Or, torture ourselved only to draw attention to us???

Oh, well, i would call that as dumb!! Think the opposite doesn't make you a creative person, rather you could make things worse than before.

That's the reason i write this statement on my facebook :

"Why do people wants the same form of creative? Creative is to be like this and that. I dont think creative should be "outside the box". It doesn't matter whether you inside, outside or nowhere (without) of the box. It is matter that you reach your purpose, solve the problem well on the whole (for now and later), whether it's inside, outside or nowhere(without) of the box. Because i do think that is the reason God create creativity, to compensate with the dynamics of life.

Creative isn't only means new and different, it means solve the problem well on the whole with all the things you have right at the time. Just focus to solve the problem, not the box.

So, no matter whether you use a traditional, modern, simple, complex or a whole new way to solve the problem. The most important thing is the problem is solved in effective, eficient way and give the optimal outcome."

by K

Innovative & Creative

Sometimes, we don't need to think something complicated and new to be creative, sometimes all we need is understanding of the problem and simple method to solve some problem. For example, In a soap factory, there was a problem. The workers sometimes forget to fill the soap box with soap, but the factory dont want to send an empty soap box to the consumers. So,they must solve this problem. Then, they called "A" and "B" to solve the problem. Later, "A" created a machine that is able to scan the contents of the soap box, so you will know the soap box already contains soap or not. Meanwhile, the "B" bring a big fan. He uses the fan to blow away the soap box that was empty. So with that we can find out where the soap box is empty or not.

I would say both of them are creative. But i think B is more creative, because B's solution is much more cheap, it means that he can offer the most effective and efficient solution to the factory's problem. B knows that an empty soap box is light. So, it would be easy to blow it away.

Whereas, A solution is more innovative. He offer a new solution by create a machine for scanning the soap box. But i think, this solution won't worth much if the machine can't give more advantage than this. Because, this problem actually can be solved by B, more effeciently. So, if the machine can't do any better than the big fan, i would say that B solution is not an efficient solution.B's solution is better A's, That's why i said that B's solution is more creative than A's.

See? To be creative doesn't mean being all new and complicated like A did. Sometimes, it just very simple and cheap. We don't have to use new tool or way to solve the problem, we just have to use everything around us "wisely".

Some people misunderstand between innovative and creative. They define creative as a new things. But, i think that definition is more fit for innovative, not creative. Just like i said on my facebook's status, creative means solve the problem well on the whole with all the things you have at the time.

There are times when there's no other way than take bold decision to
reach ur dream. Not to giving up, nor switch it either.

Wish that i could make it,someday. That kind of decision

When you open to the world around you, everything will come to you. The goods and
the bads. The happiness and the pains. The opportunities and the
challenges. New lessons and new scars.

Well, it felt hurt at first time. And it does feel hurt 'till now.

"A 'love' that never started never has to end, right?"
- Sei/Hijiri, Hoshi Wa Utau by Takaya Natsuki

Posted by K

It would be nice to live in a kind world. Without any troubles, without any fear, without hurting anybody, without ever being hurt. Only doing the right thing. I wish I could reach this kind world by the shortest path possible. It would be so nice to reach it. If I were able to live without making any mistakes, It would be great. But, it doesn't exist. That sort of thing, failing, tripping, losing the way, making mistakes.... Little by little walking one step at a time is all you can do. On one's own feet even if there are many scars. In order to reach somewhere, some day, somebody........ Let's start walking.

Fruits Basket by Takaya Natsuki

Only if you've gone through the darkest times you will understand. The feelings are the same even if you're never experienced the wonderful things in life. Only after something has been contaminated and marred will it become beautiful thing. Pain can be healed with gentle care, darkness can be removed with sunlight. Don't underestimate the small things. Everything is significant. Everytime you fall down, or take the wrong path. It isn't wasted. As long as you don't consider it a waste. You will surely develop and grow over time. This is my theory.

Fruits Basket by Takaya Natsuki

Your child will be a human just like you. The things that you were happy to receive and the things that happened to you that made you sad, you won't forget and you'll be there for your child. You'll give it lots of embraces and touches. You'll listen tou what your child has to say. If it does something wrong, you'll be sure to teach it why those things are bad. And if you ever lose control of yourself and end up wronging that child, then you will apologize and then you'll hug again. The two of us will raise our child like that

Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki

Ceritanya Si istri yang sedang hamil itu dulunya adalah anggota geng, suka berkelahi, dan bahkan juga diusir oleh orang tuanya. Nah, karena masa lalunya seperti itu, ia jadi takut kalau anaknya menolaknya karena masa lalunya itu. Jadi, si suami mengatakan hal itu.

When you're worried try not to think about it. For example imagine that you are surrounded by mountains of laundry. So much that you can't even move. What should you do when you're in such a laundry predicament.

And what's worse, you have no washing machine so you have to wash each thing one by one by hand. Tohru-kun would be at loss. You may wonder if you can ever wash all of them. Can you ever get them like new again? Can you really do it all by yourself?

And everytime you think like that you get anxious but time goes by, and you think,"What should I do?" So you start with the one by you feet, and think it may work out, if i try washing these first. It's okay to look at the rest of the laundry. But if you only look at what's ahead of you you may trip over the laundry around your feet.

It's important to think about the "now" and of what you can do "today". Because if you wash each piece one by one like that you might be able to finish your job easily, and be able to see the sun easily.

At those times that you get worried you've got to take a break. For example, you could read a book or watch some tv or even eat siumen with everyone.

Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki

My World

Awareness

Understanding

Purpose of School

Bias

I Hate Myself

Conflicted Wishes

My Mind

The World

Why?

Reality

Limit

Dearly Sad People

Think Without The Box

Open to the world

Start and End

The World that doesn't exist

The Pain

Raising Child

Instead of Worrying, Do Something About It

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