My World

21 Feb 2016

I once thought, that if all people in the world could truly understand each other and themselves then there won't be any war or even conflict between human. Because conflicts which became the beginning of war caused by misunderstanding. So, i thrive to understand human and the world.

Apparently, it's clear to me now that I misunderstand human nature. That, since the start is impossible. No one could understand each other completely, not even I could understand myselef completely. In addition, although one understand well the other side of the war or conflict the war might still happen, because they decided to do it whether for their pride, greed, revenge, rage, or anything else. For sometimes, mass conflict dont happen because of one person's interest, but because of mass' interest. Human nature in group has their own  'power' in it.

And then i frustate myself...

Well, i am not desperate or dissapointed about the importance of understanding  each other. Because i still think that understanding must be reached to surpress those problem. And this is the reason i still continue my effort to understand human and the world. However, i no longer hope for true and everlasting peace of the whole world. Since that is an utopia, and hoping for an utopia is a waste for me.

K's Twitter 

24 Nov 2015

Would i be able free myself from the common paradigm that time? 

And look for the right one?

The same question is also applied for the me who live in this period of time.
If in this period of time, there are 'odd' system just like slavery and caste system...
How do i know if my thought or the system that i think is right is actually wrong?
How do i know if i've reached the right answer?
How could i break free from biases of social system and my self?
So, i could just see the reality clearly, "naked" as it is

Even the great scientist in the ancient ages can't break free from this biases.
Well, some of them which i know are.
I wonder if i could.
I wonder if i actually already trapped in those biases.

That's why i choose to be skeptical & cynical towards reality & any thoughts.
I tend to detach & avoiding the main "stream"
It's not easy, It's hard, lonely, and terrifying
But at least, that way i could reduce the risk of being trapped in social bias

And for the bias that come from myself, i'll try to reduce it by keeping hatred to myself
So, i could reduce the risk of being trapped by my own proud and selfishness
It hurts so much, sometimes it drives me crazy

Despite all of the "cost", Every 'blessing' come with its own 'curse' anyway.
So, i'll just take 'the curse' that will give me the most 'blessing' i 'need'

I hate humans.
I hate the world.
But what i hate the most is myself.

Even so, i need it (myself).
No matter how much i hate it,
I need it to solve the cause that made me hate those things.

But i m not doing this in order for me not to hate myself anymore.
I just wish to solve the problem that made me hate everything, but i don't have any intention to stop hating myself.

Because i am not hating myself for the sake of my hatred
I am hating myself as a way to control myself

So, i will never 'forget'...
So, i could keep my 'consciousness' on 'the surface'...
So, i won't allow myself to give up

17 Sept 2015

Just as much i dont want people to believe me, i want them to believe me
Just as much as i think all my feeling were fake, i also feel that they're real
Just as much as i despise myself, i want to be respected
Just as much as i want to win against my darkside, i want to accept it
Just as much as i deny myself, i want to be accepted
Just as much as i hate myself, i want to be understood
Just as much as i crave for attention, i ignore it all the way i can
Just as much as i believe no one can ever love me, i want to be loved
And just as much as i want to love, i dont feel that i m capable to love
All of these ambigous feeling  is tearing me apart
It feels like i'm swallowed by it and can no longer identify myself

These are merely very selfish wish of me
Wishes that conflicted against each other